oh dear. so now, i am finding things other than IBS and slight lactose intolerance that could be causing my stomach pain. first, i may be gluten intolerant. this is seriously frustrating at times to find information because one site will claim that 80% of the population is sensitive to gluten so it should be cut out of everyone’s diet, while another will say, unless you have celiac disease (which i am almost positive i don’t, the symptoms sound much more severe than anything i’ve dealt with) it is silly to cut out gluten and gluten free diets are just a fad.

well, for about two weeks i’ve been going gluten free and it’s going pretty well. i think that even if there is no real reason for me to cut out gluten, it is forcing me to eat better anyway.

but then last night and tonight i decided that something else was up, because unless i am super gluten intolerant, which i think would just be classified as celiac disease and would have noticed by now, something else is going on because whenever i eat tempeh, which is now my biggest source of protein, my stomach starts to hurt. i’ve noticed that any other food i’ve been eating doesn’t cause any pain, and once i have one piece of tempeh, it hurts again. so, i looked it up and came across “candida”, which i have actually seen in other gluten free articles in recent weeks, which is a growth caused by a lack of stomach acid and bacteria.

so again, conflicting information. some people are saying it is just a new age type fad with holistic gurus that isn’t as common or severe as people are acting, and then others claim that it is causing ALL of my health problems.

two other things that i have looked into that i don’t believe i have but have mild symptoms of are chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. again, both of these diseases are debatable and some in the medicinal community don’t believe they are real. i think at least fibromyalgia is starting to be taken more seriously even though there are no medical tests for it, but my symptoms are not very severe, just irritating and get in the way of functioning at times.

good news however, i have been taking more vitamins, herbs, and supplements — i now take 8 pills a day! and starting tomorrow, it will be 9 when i add in probiotics, however, 2 of those are medication and one is a contraceptive, so, it’s only 6. still, a lot! but, i have way more energy and for the most part have been feeling a lot better especially in terms of headaches, though i still get a few, they seem to go away more easily and seem to be caused by lack of sleep or dehydration as opposed to the mystery causes i am used to.

but, maybe this is a good thing. there is no quick fix, but as time has gone on, i am finding some solutions, most of which are general good health. i think i am being forced to eat very well, exercise, and get a good sleep routine, so this is better than having something where i could get diagnosed and take a pill and be better.

all of this may just be a lack of nutrients, which through all of this, i am now getting.

i’m getting somewhat frustrated with my lack of creativity and artistic skill in the past few years. i gave up being an art major and got completely engrossed in an entirely new way of seeing things - but now i can’t remember how to make art.

i got a new journal/sketchbook in december, and i just opened it for the first time since 2011 started. both entries are about how i want to grow more into my art again. apparently i haven’t made much progress.

good news though - i am getting a new digital camera and i’m hoping that will get some juices flowing. right now though, i just feel like drawing, creating something right here. but when i sit down to do it, nothing comes to me. and when i just start drawing/painting/doodling whatever, i get frustrated by my lack of any skill. is it too late to hone my artistic side again? any suggestions?

a woman came into the resource center today. she broke my heart, i just felt so terrible for her. how come people are never taught how to stand up for themselves and have self confidence in school? before math and science, i think kids need to be taught self esteem and independence. how can a 47 year old woman be on her 3rd terrible marriage and be trapped with her alcoholic husband? no one ever taught her otherwise.

she also had her kids taken away, which initially set off a red flag that something else was up until she explained that her ex husband got custody of them. how did this happen? i keep wondering. but my main objective right now is to get her help.

things are happening right now. i’m taking a step back at the moment and realizing how funny some of this stuff is.

the guy who came into the resource center and lied to me to get more bus tickets came back today and we realize that he may be telling us that he is more than one person, wearing different clothes (including a cane) and introducing himself with a different name. does he have multiple personality disorder or is he just scamming us?

also, my roommate is the most extreme personality i have ever been in close contact with. not that she is “out there” or anything of the sort, actually, pretty much the opposite. she’s so uptight that it’s funny, and her logic which makes everything center around her is also really amusing. for example: she accused me of eating her food that i did not eat (also of smoking pot in the apartment which i did not do, but that’s besides the point) in a really nasty note - fyi i hadn’t even seen her face after i came back from the holidays in new york, i’d been home for less than 12 hours after not seeing her for over a week - nice welcoming, right?

1. I do not drink pop.
2. I had one glass of orange juice before i went to bed after i got home at 10pm from the airport which by all accounts that were expressed to me, was communal orange juice.
3. I did not finish the carton of orange juice.
4. I said multiple times that if she ever thought she was coming up short to let me know and I’d pay her back.
5. I DID pay her back on more than one occasion, even when she did not ask me to.
6. I drink mostly soy milk, only using (the communal) cow’s milk for cereal once in a blue moon if I run out of soy milk, and have NEVER finished the milk.
7. I finished the orange juice once (when i still believed it was still communal) planning on getting a new one the next day, and she told me (in person! props for that one!) that she likes to have a glass of orange juice in the morning, so I made sure to never finish it, leaving none in the morning, again.
8. I finished the bread once, asking her beforehand if that was okay, paying her back, and buying the next two loaves of bread.
9. I did not finish the pop, because I DO NOT DRINK POP.

ANYWAY — a lot of back and forth happened (all by e-mail, by the way) and she said she was frustrated and did not want to share the food we had been sharing (but waited until i ate something of “hers” that was really ours so she could get mad at me and get on her high horse instead of telling me she decided that we’re not sharing any longer) and that extended to her “appliances”. i thought about it, and “her appliances” are OUR appliances. i paid for half of the toaster and microwave, both of which i barely use, but somehow make a mess of all the time (according to her). so after 3 months of this bullshit, i finally called her on everything and had the guts to not be particularly kind in telling her how poorly she is treating me.

snippet —

“oh and by the way, those appliances that you don’t want me to use are mine too, i paid for half of them. don’t you dare tell me that i can’t use them, they are not yours they are ours and i know you think i make a mess of everything, but i really don’t”

“well, i meant my dishes”

“your DISHES?! i NEVER use your dishes, and i wash your dishes all the fucking time while you just push mine to the side when you’re at the sink. i clean your shit all the time and i do NOT use them.”

“well, i mean my pots and pans”

—

and this is where i started to get upset because she was having no reaction to anything i was saying except for laughing at certain points and did not acknowledge her role in any of it, just kept saying things to make it sound like she was right, with this blank expression on her face and when it finally escalated to me tearing up and saying “you’ve been nothing but mean to me”, she says, “okay”.

so anyway, clearly this was a big ordeal and she was very upset about me using her stuff and has now banned me from using her stuff. okay, that’s fine, i mean, it’s insane and ridiculous the way she went about it even besides the fact that i didn’t do any of the things she was accusing me of doing, but it’s fine.

so, a few days later, i come home, and my pot is in the sink with oatmeal in it. so since she basically told me in an e-mail that i never tell her anything that is going on that bothers me that she does (somehow that excuses her being nasty to me, but okay..) and was seeming to be nicer after i had dumped 3 months worth of pent up anger and frustration on her, i figured, okay, well with her logic, i should complain to her about every little thing that is not a big deal like she does to me instead of just cleaning it up and moving on, i asked her about it.

snippet —

“by the way, i really don’t care, but you used my pot the other day.”

“yeah”

“you said i couldn’t use your stuff, so why would you use mine?”

“you never said i couldn’t”

“but you would think that would imply that you wouldn’t use my stuff either”

“but you never said you didn’t want me using your stuff”

“uh, okay.. i really don’t care if you use my stuff, it’s not a big deal. but, i’m just letting you know that is REALLY WEIRD.”

—

more blank expression, so i said see you later and she shut her door.

so this week i come to find out that she has now made 2 more people in our offices besides me (we work on the same floor at the same building, with 3 different offices belonging to our organization) cry, and sent one of our coworkers into an anxiety panic mode, due to her severe agoraphobia and social anxiety, that was so bad she did not leave her house for 2 months. at least i know i’m not alone in this and it gives me some validation that i am not crazy.

so for the past three months i have been using the only logic i know how to figure out why she would be mad at me (since she actively ignores me, rolls her eyes at my boyfriend, and i’m sure at me that i am oblivious to, shuts the door in his face, yells randomly). so if i was in her shoes, i might be annoyed because i spend more time with my boyfriend than with her since the first month that we lived together we hung out every so often and then once travis and i started dating i didn’t see her really at all. so i’ve been feeling guilty and trying to be her friend which was not really what i wanted since she was treating me like shit, but all along that’s not what she wanted either. she doesn’t care about my friendship or even acknowledge or appreciate anything kind i have ever done, and now i think she just actively does not like me. so really, she’s just been mad for reasons i do not quite grasp. but okay, i can let go of this guilt and she will keep on being mad at me for reasons unbeknownst to me or just so she can be mad (it may be her go-to emotional state, since it seems that she is in it constantly). i’m at a good place with it right now, it amuses me when i do things like knock on her door to talk to her after she sends me an e-mail asking to schedule a time to talk and she gets irritated and flustered by it because i did not schedule a meeting with her. le sigh. from the outside, this is pretty fucking funny because it is so ridiculous. so i laugh, and will continue to treat her the way that i think human beings should be treated, though that pisses her off.

“you know what makes her angry? talking to her.” - coworker

lolz.

I’m going to do an experiment. I am going to ride the bus, never use my car, for a month. (at least)

so effing true!

vomit vomit vomit

its a question i am asked all the time. but i’m happier here than i ever have been. i’m the most productive and ambitious that i ever have been. i feel like there’s nothing holding me back here.